I never pretty much explored or lived life as a real girl. The maximum length of hair I kept was barely around my shoulders. I cut it every single time because I was annoyed, it never been similar to a shampoo advertising model. Or perhaps I didn't know how to take care of it, never knew how to tight even the simplest pattern of plaits. Too lazy to wake up early in the morning to comb it.

My nails are virgin, couldn't figure out how to paint it. It never was that striking pink, or crimson red, calm blue nahhh. I never had one, my toenails are always well protected under my canvas or covered flats. It got no reason to be shown, not like anyone would pay attention to.

Latest fashions or trends? I'm a loser. Outdated and unattractive. Never knew how to mix and match, putting different pieces of clothes together into an elegant outfit. Never wore high heels because I'm afraid of losing my balance, shy of all the sound it made walking on hard grounds.

That explains just how much I wanted to be a guy so badly. I wouldn't have to worry walking alone to nearby shophouses, riding bicycle in the late evening around the park. Raping cases wouldn't be part of my concern. I would be so much more independent. Getting a bus or on a train would solve my transportation problem.

Boys are known to have smarter brains and understanding. It could be so useful during add maths class and wouldn't need to request for repeats or extra teaching. Greater physical strength for sports, might not stand in a field like an invisible person asking for a ball.

No more period pain, no fear for pregnancy. Things would be better. Is it so? Maybe I just haven't grown up yet. Maybe one day I would be like any other girl, walking down the street getting hyped up for shopping. Maybe I would be obsessed with make up soon. Maybe I should really start absorbing some girly interest.

Or maybe that's just me. Maybe I wasn't caught up to be like any other girl. Maybe that's just the special part of me. Maybe it's not a problem after all. Maybe I'm just too worried of myself. I stood up from this bathroom flood and whispered softly in this shower. "Lord, You are my potter, I am Your clay, shape me and mould me to what You want me to become."

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