God be the Solution

I never pretty much explored or lived life as a real girl. The maximum length of hair I kept was barely around my shoulders. I cut it every single time because I was annoyed, it never been similar to a shampoo advertising model. Or perhaps I didn't know how to take care of it, never knew how to tight even the simplest pattern of plaits. Too lazy to wake up early in the morning to comb it. My nails are virgin, couldn't figure out how to paint it. It never was that striking pink, or crimson red, calm blue nahhh. I never had one, my toenails are always well protected under my canvas or covered flats. It got no reason to be shown, not like anyone would pay attention to. Latest fashions or trends? I'm a loser. Outdated and unattractive. Never knew how to mix and match, putting different pieces of clothes together into an elegant outfit. Never wore high heels because I'm afraid of losing my balance, shy of all the sound it made walking on hard grounds. That ...

It was an intense discussion. So many doubts, confusion, questions, worries, shaken faith. I couldn't accept certain things. I fail to understand some scriptures. Sometimes I just choose to have a silent conversation with myself, I ignore the call to pray because I'm afraid. I'm scared I would complain and blame Him for everything. I know He had done nothing wrong, the sufferings I face is due to my own fault. I couldn't look through the mirror, because I'm so dirty, I'm covered with sins. And there comes a moment you cannot forgive yourself, I know God's grace is more than enough, but I just felt I don't deserve any more chances. He is so pure, but yet He is delighted to hold me in His arms, I couldn't imagine a dirt being loved. His love is unconditional. And I stand here saying "Lord, I do believe in You, but help me overcome my unbelief!"