Typical me. Slamming and shifting my fingers rhythmically along my keyboard with my eyes close. My toes were tipping and tapping like happy feet. Grabbing pencils and hitting every object within my reach at intervals, forming a highly unknown beat that only I could find interesting. A simple melody that only could be heard in my mind. The lyrics of life that only I could understand. That only occurs when I'm tired of the surrounding issues and conflicts that arise.
I stopped and just laid back, spinning round and round with my head tilt up. I squint my watery eyes and all I saw was my ceiling. Absentmindedly, growing into a speedy carousel. My window crawled into view, my book shelves, photo frames, stand lamps blended together into a never ending, 3 dimensional, colourful irregular moving circle. I was feeling dizzy already. If only Alice's wonderland and fairytales were true, I might had jumped into a different world.
Some things just made me angry. How astounding it is that a midnight stroll could transformed into a nightmare. I stand by the door, leaving my ears at work. I felt deeply humiliated. I trusted everyone, sharing the deepest secret I thought whom were my friends. So I guess they weren't listening to my worries to help me, but yet just for a fun fact that they all could passed on and gossiped about. So I'm emo? Well, I do have feelings and I do get down when facing problems that life throws at me. But I never did ask for one's pity or care. I'm fake? how insulting. Do u even know how much I battle among my blurness. Or how much I wanted to be like everyone else, quick to understand things and don't have to be explained more than once. Do u even notice how much I tried controlling my eyebrows to not raise and result into an ugly feature. It hurts when I'm explaining a game or chairing, and people just whisper in front of you, judging how low your voice is and saying it sounds like mumbling. I admit I do get nervous often, I do get stage fright. But aren't Christians suppose to build up each other and give encouragement?
Closing my ears, I sped off to my room. To realise all the things and time invest staying up late finding solutions and persistently keeping your friends' troubles in prayers, and in the end, people forgets and backstabs, because they don't need you anymore. I covered myself into darkness, my blanket absorbing my tears, I cried as hard as I could. Knowing when I wake up the next day, I gotta stay strong and pretend nothing has ever happened. Comforting myself, one day these circumstances will change and these situation shall pass. I was slowly getting immune to the false accusations in life.
I sat in the meeting room, everyone was require to write the person they hate on a paper. Names occurred in my head, but I was reluctant to take action. The speaker goes on, " I want all of you to tear your paper into small pieces, cripple it and burned it." My heart stung deeper, I just couldn't take away this hatred. I know I needed to but I just couldn't. I can't. A video goes on, "We are the reason that He gave His life, we are the reason that He suffered and died, to a world that was lost He gave all He could give, to show us the reason to live." It was the final, I kept asking God, why am I always have to be the good person?
We are all part of the body of Christ, and Satan constantly is breaking us apart. He is delighted when Christians rebuke each other, it gives him the satisfaction that his project had succeed. God made me noticed, if i were to continue keeping this hatred in me, things will get worst and the whole body wont be able to function well, the whole church will be ruined. I know and I should humbly accept and forgive others in a spirit of grace and understanding, I just want to tell each of you that I still loves you all, my dear brothers and sisters in Christ.
AMEN! :)
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